“But what is grief, if not love persevering?” - Vision [Wandavision (Donney, et al., 2021)]
Read moreFor Want of a DeLorean, a Reviewer was Lost + Epilogue
Note: This blog post was originally written in 2019, and as such, predates the creation of both this blog and some elements of my life that will be elucidated on in an epilogue at the bottom of the post.
How did we get here? More accurately, how did I get here? I don’t think we have enough to time go over everyone’s trajectory. I’ve got to thinking lately about how I got here. Now, I know that “When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they decide to…” but I mean more specifically, how I got to this exact moment in my life. An aspiring screenwriter with a hobby of making online video content. And the journey, while probably uninteresting to most, is something I wanted to chronicle.
We could, of course, jump back to 2012, either in March when I did my first Literary Lair episode (not titled that back then, of course, it wouldn’t gain a title until a few months later) or perhaps in January when I created the BlackScarabFilmZ blog where I would upload text reviews and video content until I picked book reviews. But that’s not the beginning of the story.
Let’s jump back further. We could start with the day I discovered Atop the Fourth Wall in August of 2011, with Linkara’s review of Mightily Murdered Power Ringers #1, which I had seen as a related video of SFDebris’, as he had been banished from YouTube by CBS, and started uploading on Blip, and I found watching directly on Blip was easier than the embed on his website. Boy, do I miss those days. Being a Power Rangers fan, the title intrigued me, so I checked it out. But this is still not the beginning.
I know, this is taking forever, but bear with me, it’s important to go on this journey with me. Jumping back at least a year, we land at my attempts to rediscover an old review of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home that I had discovered right around the time I first got into Star Trek, back at the age that I believed I could find full movies online for free with just a Google search. Instead, I found a crass video that described the plot as "There's a log of shit with a disco ball floating around space, and it talks to humpback whales on Earth”. Later on, I would discover that this video was created by James Rolfe, aka the Angry Video Game Nerd. That’ll be important later.
Ultimately, searching for that, drove me to find SFDebris’ review of Star Trek: Generations on YouTube, of which I quickly became a fan of. Course, jumping back even further, we’d hit around the central crux of what got me here. Back to the Future (Zemeckis, 1985), is, of course, a film by Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd. When I was a kid, probably just out of elementary school, I was watching ABC Family, and I saw a promo for a marathon of a trilogy. I’d never heard of it, but one line in the commercial piqued my interest, apart from the premise being about time travel, “Doc, are you saying my Mom's got the hots for me?” That might sound weird, but that’s why I watched because the line was just weird enough to make me say, “I’ve gotta see the context for that.” And I would become utterly obsessed with that movie, and the concept of time travel, though I had always had an affinity for it. And in my obsession, as I am wont to do, I started looking up every single thing imaginable about Back to the Future, which I believe is now called a hyperfixation, but for me, it was just what I did back then (and to an extent now, but now I have a word for it!) That would lead me to find the AVGN’s review of the Back to the Future NES game, which I feel had a subconscious impact on me, given that it all ties back together years later.
Now, there is room for interpretation, certainly, perhaps the crux was Star Trek, which is another entire rabbit hole, but I like to imagine the alternate timeline where I missed that ABC Family promo, or where I never sought out Star Trek IV on the internet, and I became a lawyer or something, because I never found a proper outlet for my creativity, and ended up stifling it, because that is what this hobby ultimately is. While I’d love for it to be a career, and I won’t deny starting it because of a misguided desire to be “internet famous”, (whatever that means, I never quite figured out), it has become an outlet for my creativity. The place for me to express myself in an environment where I have full control.
A problem I have is that I get very passionate but at the cost of coherence. I had a teacher in middle school, (one of the good ones) once recommend that, if I had something to bring to a class discussion, I should write it down before I raise my hand because otherwise, it ended up as a jumbled mess when it came out since my brain was working six steps ahead of where my mouth was. Hence the slowdown of any non-scripted content in recent years. Without a script, I lose focus. Had I not discovered a format that allowed me to talk about what I was passionate about, with the focus I desperately lacked (even if it took me a few years to work all the kinks out), I would not be where I am today. For want of that Delorean, a reviewer was lost.
Epilogue:
I think I've talked at length about the profound impact that "Back to the Future" had on me as a kid, quickly going from that movie I saw advertised on ABC Family to one of my favorite films of all time. And may have inadvertently put me on the trajectory to where I am today, in more ways than I realized in 2019 when I wrote the original "For Want of a DeLorean, a Reviewer Was Lost", because for want of a DeLorean, a bookseller was lost. In the original piece, I referred to how attempting to rediscover a review of the "Back to the Future" NES game led to me discovering "Atop the Fourth Wall", which was my most direct inspiration for the online persona that I would develop over the next decade, however, I've recently uncovered one more facet to that discovery.
Something that Linkara, aka Lewis Lovhaug, the host of "Atop the Fourth Wall", mentioned pretty frequently in commentaries, was that when he started the show he was working at a certain corporate bookstore and I took that knowledge to its natural conclusion and began applying to said corporate bookstore repeatedly for a period of up to roughly 7 or 8 years and dear reader, I wonder if you can guess where I am currently employed and intend to remain employed at until such a time that I may be in a position of great authority within one of those corporate bookstores, perhaps as a store manager. An ambition that I never knew I had, certainly it was never my dream as a kid, but now? It's pretty tempting.
This was all brought about because I was trying to write a little post about my recently completed Lego DeLorean time machine that I bought and assembled over the past week, since I'd been having a rough go of it and felt I needed some serotonin. Completing it reminded me of when I was a kid and in my very early days, before I knew I wanted to be a filmmaker, I attempted to make a Lego "Back to the Future" movie, now, of course, there was no official BTTF Legos, so at the time so I was working off modified versions of stuff I had built that came out of Star Wars and Indiana Jones sets. And like many of the things I did back then, I don't really remember what it was about, but I remember spending hours playing with those versions of Doc Brown, Marty McFly, and the DeLorean. So it's honestly just kind of incredible to me that there is an official "Back to the Future" Lego set, and even if it's not properly in scale with the Minifigures, it's still pretty incredible to finally own. Little did I know back in 2007 what watching a single triple feature movie marathon could lead to. The future really is whatever you make it, and I think I made it a good one.
Early Cinema: The Sky’s the Limit
Note: This essay was originally written as a script for a video, which will be linked at the end of the article.
The definition of cinema has changed throughout the history of the medium. What was considered cinema in the early days is a far cry from the summer blockbusters released today. But in some ways, early cinema had an advantage over modern cinema. Nowadays, people have very strict expectations of what a movie is or what it should be and don't like it to be challenged. When Star Wars: The Last Jedi was released in theaters, featuring a scene where all audio is suspended for a short sequence, some theaters had to put up signs reassuring the audience that the film wasn't malfunctioning and that the silence was part of the film. Because if an action movie isn't barraging the viewer with rapid-fire sound for two hours, then obviously it must be a technical issue. For whatever advances have been brought to cinema by the march of progress, early cinema is fascinating and has always been fascinating to me, precisely because the filmmakers of that time had free reign to create, as they were not yet beholden to any rules or conventions of what constitutes a film. At that time, a film could be anything and everything!
Tom Gunning wrote in Cinema of Attractions, “Early filmmakers...have been studied primarily from the viewpoint of their contribution to film as a storytelling medium, particularly the evolution of narrative editing. Although such approaches are not totally misguided, they are one-sided and potentially distort both the work of these filmmakers and the actual forces shaping cinema before 1906.”
That's not to say that film isn't a storytelling medium, but back in the early days, not every film followed the now basic formulas, for better or for worse. Nowadays, movies are expected to have narratives and characters. Even ones portraying real-life events insert characters and situations that didn't exist for the sake of crafting a better story, Patch Adams springs to mind, having created a love interest for the main character who never really existed or other so-called "historical dramas" compositing characters together like in The Great Escape, compositing several real people into the characters depicted in the film, or how in Rudy, with the permission of the actual Dan Devine, (who was unaware of how antagonistic the screenwriter planned on making him) turned the football coach into a villain when he was actually the one who insisted on dressing Rudy in the final game. And that isn't even getting into how even documentaries have "narratives" and "characters", despite purportedly portraying actual events and people. Honestly, one of the things about studying film is that you learn to never fully trust anything you see put on a screen because you realize how easily the truth can be twisted and altered to suit a purportedly necessary narrative, and the idea of films becoming almost beholden to narrative elements would make an interesting study on its own, so I'll cut to the chase. This was summed up most succinctly by Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman in Milos Forman's Man on the Moon: "All the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes."
Early cinema was unburdened by that necessity and had “actualities” that were just events filmed by a camera with no narrative to speak of like Workers Leaving the Lumière Factory.
Several years ago, before the COVID-19 Pandemic, I made two trips to The Museum of the Moving Image, down in Queens, mainly for their Jim Henson Exhibit, but I also took a good look at their Behind the Screen exhibit, which details the history of filmmaking, which was, in general, a great experience, and if you live in NYC or are visiting Queens for any reason and have time to kill, I highly suggest visiting it. From that visit, I would postulate that early filmmakers were attempting to use their newfound medium to the fullest. The tools on display at the museum show that while they were working with, by today's standards, primitive tools, such as the early animation tools and kinetoscopes, they were still crafting unique films and did a lot with the little they had. And they utilized every tool they had at their disposal to create unique and interesting films.
Gunning writes of the “cinema of attraction”, which in his words is, “a cinema that bases itself on the quality that Leger celebrated: its ability to show something.” And he takes note of how conventions have changed, especially through the formerly widespread act of simply acknowledging the camera’s existence. “This action, which is later perceived as spoiling the realistic illusion of the cinema, is here undertaken with brio, establishing contact with the audience.” In today's cinema, such an act, unless it is meant to be part of the narrative, like in fourth-wall-breaking films, like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Deadpool, or any Mel Brooks film, would be unthinkable. While a live performance inherently acknowledges the spectators (such as in pausing for applause or a reaction), films take place in a bubble where spectators are not allowed inside. And that change could be resultant of the shift of what type of art, films are trying to be.
Panofsky mentions the distinction between “folk art” and “art”, as such, "as a rule, folk art derives from what is known as 'higher art'". This on its own does not preclude experimentation, but it does create limits. "It was soon realized that the imitation of a theater performance with a set stage, fixed entries and exits, and distinctly literary ambitions is the one thing the film must avoid." While this is far from definitive proof, it seems to be the start of constricting film into a box of what is and what isn't acceptable to be considered "art". Films must avoid the elements of theater, they must take place in that bubble.
The Museum of the Moving Image contains a lot of history on the development of film, and the development of how not only the people making the films interacted with each other, the creation of various departments and sections of filmmaking (Makeup, Costuming, Set Design, etc.) but also the development of how film interacted with its audience.
Even the experience of seeing a film has become a sort of ritual, divorced from the early days when one would see a film by standing and staring into a large box through eye holes or by spinning a zoescope. And the farther the audience got, the more everything became samey. I mean, it feels like every single movie trailer follows identical beats, even when one film is a high-octane action film and the other is a biopic! Experimentation still exists in film today, I'm not disputing that, but on the whole, the major studios tend to gravitate to safer waters, whereas the pioneers of early cinema, including Louis Lumiere, were intrepid explorers heading for the rough waters ahead to see what they could truly do with their new medium, much like Lumiere depicted in his Boat Leaving the Port.
Early cinema was unique because there were no limits as to what it could be. While the state of cinema today is far from terrible, despite the advances in technology, mainstream cinema isn't quite as experimental, as spontaneous, as it was in the early days when filmmakers were throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck. Indie film continues this trend to be sure, but it's very rarely seen in major releases. Early filmmakers were visionaries, and through the history of film, some of that vision has been lost because of the shift in what is and isn't considered "cinema" or "art" and the introduction of rules and conventions for films. But I hope that one day soon, in the art of filmmaking, the sky will once again be the limit.
One Year Later...
As Halloween ends and November begins and we begin the very quick rush into Christmas, I want to take a moment to reminisce because just about a year ago was very important moment in my life. I had a job of convenience from when I was in college until the pandemic happened, when I like many people, were was laid off due to the pandemic and collected unemployment benefits until they ran out. Once the benefits ended and the world was beginning to re-open, I was looking for a job. Throughout the pandemic and even before, I had been applying to every single film and television production jobs that I could find with every company I could find, but I never heard back until the application ran out and the form letter was sent. Clearly that wasn't working, and while filmmaking is my passion, that was a very disheartening experience, so I needed a change. And that change came in the form of an opportunity last year, to not do something in film production, but I think it's better in some ways.
Our story starts a year ago, and the backstory for this is that since I was in college, I had been sending out applications periodically to a particular corporate bookstore which had many stores in my area. I had gotten the idea, humorously enough, from an internet content creator, who had mentioned in a commentary on one of his videos that he'd worked at a branch of this store while in college, and hearing that, it felt like a natural fit for me. Unfortunately, I'd been summarily rejected every time I sent an application in over the course of five-ish years on and off. The one thing I never did though, was send in applications for seasonal holiday positions, mainly because if I was going to go through the rigamarole of applying and interviewing and training, I wanted something reliable and permanent, I didn't want to have to leave at the end of three months and be back where I started. Maybe I'd have a little more experience, but it never seemed worth it to me. But last year, I was at the end of my rope and I needed something, so I sent in an application. In fact I sent in three.
The first one received a response in the form of a phone call in which they asked what hours I wanted to work. Note for prospective job-seekers, that's a trick question. They want you to say “My availability is open.” They do not want you to say “Monday to Friday 9-5”, which I learned when the vibe in the call changed and they said “We'll let you know if we want to schedule an interview.” Spoilers, they did not.
The second application got a phone call, and having learned my lesson from the first one, I told them I had open availability and was called in for an interview. But it was a group interview, which was... strange. I was brought into a room with two of the managers from the store and two other applicants, one of whom I got to know later and is a lovely person who I am now friends with, and the other who had formerly worked for another well-known bookstore in the city. The questions were interesting and I had to sometimes follow someone else's answer and try to make mine sound unique, which I felt put two of us at a disadvantage every time a question was asked. Needless to say, I did not get the job, nor did the lovely person who I am now friends with, (because we both ended up working together at our current store) which can only mean that the person from the other famous bookstore got the job. But you know what? Good for her! I think things ultimately worked out for me and my new friend.
The third one, I sent in on Friday, November 5th, 2021 at around 10 or 11 p.m. It was on a lark, because the position had just opened and the last two went so well, I figured third time's the charm, right? Around twelve hours later, I got a call from the store manager of that store who asked me, “Are you still interested in the position?” And considering that I had just woken up and hadn't eaten breakfast yet, I had not yet had the opportunity to receive any better offers, so I took the interview! That interview already went better when it was a one-on-one with the store manager and not a group interview, and while I was extra nervous, because of my two previous bad experiences, I still got the sense that I had gotten the job. And lo and behold, I had!
Two days later I was filling out HR paperwork and the following Tuesday, I started training with two other seasonal employees, one of whom I now consider a close friend and one of whom who just vanished halfway through the holiday season, but that's a story for another day. While working at this store, I have met so many great people, my co-workers, the managers, and had my fair share of difficult customers, but through it all, I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life. I won't name names, but if you're reading this, you ought to know who you are! This past year has been better for me than my life has ever been before.
It sounds silly that a retail job could bring me that much joy, but it's not so much the job, it's the experiences. I'm very fulfilled by doing the work that I do and I enjoy going in every day. My life has changed for the better over the past year and I would certainly say that has everything to do with getting this job and I owe a lot to the store manager who took a chance on me despite the fact that I didn't have much in the way of experience, and another tip for prospective job-seekers, write a cover letter! My manager told me that's what got her call me in for an interview. I also owe a lot to my co-workers who have made working there so enjoyable, and the other managers for being very welcoming and patient, especially since I like to double and triple check everything I do.
I've made so many new friends with the people that I have worked with and I I think I am in a much healthier place than I ever have been and I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. It's been such a wonderful year. It's almost like when I got my dog because I know there was a point where I wasn't working at the store but I can't remember what that was like and it feels like I've somehow always been there even though it has only just now been a year. And hopefully there will be many more like it in the future.